XyKiLL’s Party Jokes

Our Unabashed Dictionary defines impotent loser as a guy who can’t even get his hopes up.

What do you do with 365 used condoms ? Melt them down, make it a tire and call it a good year.

In an effort to bolster his popularity, the Russian Prime Minister ventured to an agricultural community near Moscow. “ Well, Comrade, how did the potatoes do this year ? “ he asked one farmer. “ Very well, Comrade President, “ the farmer replied. “ If we piled them up, they would reach god. “ “ But God does not exist, Comrade farmer. “ “ Nor do the potatoes, Comrade President. “

Two men were applying for the same job. Both had excellent academic credentials and superb skills and experience. In order to choose between them, the employer challenged them to come up with a poem ending with the word Timbuktu. The first candidate immediately recited, “ Out across the desert sand / Rode a lonely caravan / Underneath the sky so blue / Destination : Timbuktu. “ The second candidate was hard-pressed to come up with a better effort. He was just about to concede defeat when inspiration struck : “ Me and Tim a-fishing went / Saw three women in a tent / They being three and we being two / I bucked one and Tim bucked two. “

As the corporation’s national sales meeting got under way, one particularly cocky salesman was approached by a stern-looking man. “ Excuse me, “ he said, “ Are you Bo Jones ? “ “ That’s me, “ the confident young man replied. “ Bo Jones is the name and selling is my game. “ “ Tell me, were you in Atlanta two months ago ? “ Jones began leafing through his diary. “ Two months ago ? Why yes I sure was. “ “ And did you stay at the Lacey Motel ? “ “ Now let me see. Yes, here it is, the Lacey Motel. “ “ And did you stay in room 3121 ? “ “ Hang on, “ he murmured as he turned a page. “ Yes, I did. “ “Next to a Mrs. Porter ? “ “Mrs. Porter ? Hmmm… Why yes, she was in room 3123. “ “ and you slept with her on Saturday night ? “ “ Just a second, “ the salesman replied as he checked his entries. “ Yes, you’re right. I did give her a bit of the in-and-out. “ The stranger turned bright red. “ Well, I am her husband, Mr. Jones, and I don’t like it. “ The salesman looked at the diary again. “ Mrs. Porter, Lacey Motel, room 3123 “ he read. “ No sir, neither did I. “

A bank manager saw a new employee diligently counting out \$100 bills. “ You look like an industrious young man, “ he said. “ Where did you receive your business education ? “ “ Yale, “ the young man replied. “ Excellent, “ the manager said. “ And, what’s your name ? “ “ Yim Yohnson. “

Latest bumper sticker seen in Chicago : Jesus Saves. Jordan steals. He scores.

What two words will instantly clear out a men’s room ? N-I-I-I-CE DICK !!

A man went to see his lawyer about divorcing his wife. “ Don’t you love her anymore ? “ the attorney asked. “ Oh, I still love her very much, “ the man replied “ but all she wants is sex. I can’t take it. I don’t have the energy to keep up with her. “ “ Instead of divorcing her, why don’t you just charge her every time she wants to make love ? “ the lawyer suggested. The exhausted husband decided to give the plan a try. As soon as he walked into his house that night, his wife said, “ OK, let’s go ! “ “ Not so fast, honey. I’m going to charge you every time you want sex. Five dollars in the kitchen, ten in the living room and twenty-five in the bedroom. “ “ Well then, here’s twenty-five bucks, “ she said slapping the cash into his hand. The husband began walking up the stairs to the bedroom. “ Hold on, sweetheart, “ she said, grabbing his hand. “ Five times in the kitchen. “

“ Going to bed with Richard every night is like playing checkers, “ the wife complained to her sister. “ I make one move and he jumps me. “

A builder, a clergyman and a politician stood outside the pearly gates of heaven, waiting for admission. “ I’m sorry, gentlemen, “ Saint Peter said, “ but the gates are broken. “ the builder immediately offered to repair them for ten dollars. “ Why ten dollars ? “ Saint Peter asked. “ Five dollars for the material and five for my labor, “ the man explained. “ What about you ? “ Saint Peter asked the clergyman. “ Can you fix them ? “ “ Yes, for thirty dollars. Ten for the orphans’ fund, ten for the church’s building fund and ten for the poor box. “ “ And you, can you fix them ? “ Saint Peter asked the politician. “ Of course, “ the man replied. “ But I’ll need a hundred and ten dollars. “ “ A hundred and ten dollars ? “ “ Well, fifty’s for me, fifty’s for you, and for ten bucks, I can get the builder to fix them. “

Since the Texan was being tried in California, he didn’t think he had a chance of beating a murder-one rap. In desperation, he bribed one of the jurors to find him guilty of manslaughter instead. The jury was out for three days but finally returned a verdict of manslaughter. The grateful Texan cornered the juror afterward. “ Thanks a million, “ he said slapping him on the back. “ How in tarnation did you manage it ? “ “ It wasn’t easy, “ the beaming juror replied. “ The others were hell-bent on acquitting you. “

“ Doctor, “ the blonde complained to her gynecologist, “ I’ve been trying to have a baby for months but nothing’s happened. “ “ Let’s see if we can do something about that, “ he said with a reassuring smile. “ Now, just get undressed and lie down on the table. “ “ All right, “ she replied with a resigned shrug, “ but I’d really prefer my husband’s baby. “

Why do blondes smile when they see lightning ? They think they’re having they’re pictures taken.

Moses got his people as far as the Red Sea, but couldn’t figure out how to cross safely to the other side. He called his engineer. “ We could try building a pontoon bridge, “ the engineer suggested. “ Can it be done in a hurry ? “ “ No, it would take quite a while. “ Moses called his PR man. “ If I were you, “ the PR man said, “ I would climb up there on the bluff, raise my hand, invoke the name of God and part the waters. Then, I would lead my people through the path and close it on the following Egyptians. “ “ That sounds great, “ Moses said, “ but do you think I can do it ? “ “ I’m not sure, “ replied the PR man, “ but if you do, I can get you a page in the Old Testament. “

Charley and Bill were out deep-sea fishing when their boat struck a reef and sank. They started swimming for an island in the distance when a shark attacked Charley. Although severely bitten on the legs, he was able to continue swimming. Soon, however, the shark returned and slashed his arms. Now completely disabled, he began foundering. Bill swam back for him and said, “ the island’s not far now. Get on my back and I’ll swim us both to shore. “ An hour later, Bill hauled Charley out of the waves and onto the beach, where they both collapsed, exhausted. “ Boy, “ Bill said, sighing, “ I’m fucked. “ “ I know, “ Charley replied apologetically, “ but, that’s the only way I could hold on. “

What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50 ? Your honor.

“ Son, I’m damn proud of you, “ the retired Marine colonel said to his paratrooper son, slapping him on the back. “ Tell me about your first jump. “ “ I thought I was ready , Dad, but I froze when it was my turn, “ he said. “ Then my sergeant ordered me to jump, but I still couldn’t. Finally, he whipped out his dick and said if I didn’t jump, he’d shove it up my ass. “ “ Well, “ his father barked, “ did you jump ? “ “ Oh, just a little at first. “

After falling from the deck of a cruise ship, a drunkard washed up on the beach of a deserted island. As he staggered along the sand, his foot kicked a bottle and a genie emerged, offering him three wishes. Without hesitation, the drunk wished for a whiskey bottle that would never run dry. As soon as it appeared, the fellow took a healthy swig from it. The bottle remained full. Again, he drank deeply from the bottle and, again it remained filled to the brim. As he was about to lift the bottle to his lips once more, the genie reminded him that he still had two more wishes coming. “ Oh yeah, “ the drunk said, swaying in the breeze. “ Let me have two more bottles just like this one. “

After making love, the man excused himself and went to the bathroom. When he returned, the woman sat up in bed and remarked, “ I can tell you’re a doctor by the way you washed your hands before and after. “ “ Well that’s right, “ the fellow said with a self-satisfied grin. “ Do you know what kind ? “ “ I’d say an anesthesiologist. “ “ How did you know ? “ the M.D. asked. “ Because throughout the entire procedure, I didn’t feel a thing. “

A man’s speech therapist suggested he take up parachuting as a way to build his self-confidence, hoping that would help cure the man’s stutter. “ The moment you leave the plane, “ the instructor reminded his class, “ start counting. When you get to three , pull the cord. “ At the instructor’s signal, the students began jumping from the plane. One by one, the parachutes opened. Suddenly, the stutterer went racing by everybody at incredible speed. He was last heard saying, “ T-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-two… “

What did the blonde say when asked to be a Jehovah’s witness ? “ Hey, I didn’t even see the accident. “

The psychiatrist removed his glasses, closed the manila folder and smiled at the patient seated across from him. “ I’m happy to say, Mr. Blow, that you’ve made a complete recovery. Aren’t you pleased ? “ “ Pleased ? Why should I be pleased ? “ the patient shot back. “ A year ago, I was Jesus Christ. Now, I’m Joe blow ! “

Have you ever had sex rodeo style ? That’s where you mount your wife from behind, tell her, “ this is how my girlfriend and I do it, “ and then try to stay on for eight seconds.

While walking down Fifth avenue, a woman wearing a full-length mink coat was stopped by an animal-rights activist. “ Lady, do you know how many animals were killed to make that coat ? “ he demanded. “ Do you know how many animals I had to fuck to get it ?!! “ she replied.

A prominent East Coast socialite sat her daughter down for a talk before the debutante ball. “ Darling, “ she advised, “ you must be careful of certain lecherous young men. They will offer you martinis and before you know it, they’ll push you on the couch and … well, our family will be disgraced. “ The next morning, the mother asked how things had gone. “ Great, “ the girl replied. “ A young man did offer me several martinis, just as you said. But I made him drink them all and before you know it, he was smashed out of his mind. So I pushed him onto a couch and fucked his brains out and … well, I guess his family is looking pretty bad. “

After receiving several complaints of loud pounding on the walls of an upstairs room, the motel night clerk ran up and knocked on the door. An elderly man answered. “ Sir, “ the clerk said sternly, “ don’t you realize there are other guests here who are trying to get some sleep ? “ “ To hell with them !! “ the man screamed. “ I just got my first erection in twenty years and my hands are asleep.”

A tourist was walking in Binondo one afternoon when he saw a Chinese man lying in the street. Rushing to his side, the newcomer bent down and asked, “ may I help you ? “ “ No, thanks, “ the irate Chinese replied. “ I just found a parking space and I sent my wife to buy a car. “

A man was walking down the street, dragging one foot, when he saw a man approaching him, walking the same way. As they passed each other, the first fellow smiled, gave a thumbs up and said, “ Vietnam, 1969. “ The second fellow smiled, returned the salute and said, “ dog shit, five minutes ago. “

After several months on an island with just a pig and a Doberman for companions, the lonely man awoke one morning horny as hell. Putting his natural reservations aside, he hungrily eyed the two animals, prudently settling on the pig. Just as he approached the porker, the dog ran up between them and began to snarl, putting an end to his amorous plans. After weeks of frustration, the man spotted a raft drifting onto shore. On board was an unconscious woman. For two weeks, the man tended her as best as he could, barely able to take his eyes off her. Finally, she awoke. “ Are you all right ? “ the man asked. “ Oh yes, “ the woman replied. “ How can I ever thank you ? “ “ Well, there is one thing… “ the ecstatic man began. “ Just name it, “ she insisted. “ Do you think you could take that damn dog for a walk ? “

Why can’t a blonde get a driver’s license ? Every time the car stops, she gets in the back seat.

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb ? Two : one to screw it almost all the way in and one to give it a surprising twist in the end.

Shortly after a car was broadsided in a busy intersection, a good Samaritan rushed to see if anyone was hurt. He saw that the driver was dazed and bleeding. “ Hang in there, lady, “ he said. “ Are you badly hurt ? “ “ How the hell should I know ? “ she snapped. “ I’m a doctor not a lawyer. “

Two farm boys were standing on a New York City street corner admiring a building and dreaming of owning it. Figuring it never hurts to ask, one went in to find out the price. When he returned, he told his friend that he had good news and bad news. “ What’s the good news ? “ “ Well, they’re asking five million for it but I talked them down to four. “ “ That’s great, “ his friend said. “ But what’s the bad news ? “ “ They want fifty bucks down. “