XyKiLL’s simplified guide to girls

Now that, that’s settled, let’s get on with the show. There are two main categories of girls. The first are the virgins and, the second are the hymenically challenged ( no more hymen ). Here’s my list :

A : VIRGINS

a : The religious kind ( holier art than thou ) - If you plan to score on this kind of girl, you might be in for the surprise of your life, because this kind only surrenders their hymen on their wedding night. They have an air of superiority over other people, who don’t share their faith. Getting into a relationship with this kind would only bring trouble to a young man’s life. Their idea of a good time is spending the afternoon reading, playing scrabble, or cross-stitching. The only plus side I know to this kind is that, because of their faith, they usually adhere to their wedding vows. You can find this kind at churches, religious bookstores, prayer meetings, and the like. Their life is boring and they usually are hypocrites. Sex with this type is Mediocre. Don’t expect anything wild since, they might associate wildness with the Devil. RATING : 2

b : The untouched kind ( never had a boyfriend ) - There are two kinds of untouched girls. Ugly and Pretty. Ugly girls are untouched girls because they’re simply ugly. Let’s not talk about ugly girls, they make me lose my appetite. Pretty girls on the other hand are heaven sent. They usually are very easy to manipulate because they let their emotions get the better of them. Scoring on this kind of chick is very easy. Once the two of you are ‘on’ , give her two weeks then make the move on her. If she doesn’t want to give it up, make up an excuse like " you know, I don’t think you love me anymore because you won’t give yourself to me. " Afterwards, pretend that you’re mad at her. If she keeps up, leave her. If she puts up, fuck her. Sex with her is the best since, she’s willing to do anything if threatened with your relationship. RATING : 10 ( worth the fuck if you don’t have a conscience )

 

 

c : The old maid ( plain bitches ) - Again, there are two kinds of old maids. Fat bitches and thin bitches. Although they look different, they have a lot in common. The main problem with this kind of girl is their attitude. They have an inferiority complex. Low Self-esteem. They know that nobody’s interested in them physically ( they’re ugly ). This fact makes them bitter towards others which is why this kind usually has an attitude problem. They usually try to excel at other things to boost their own egos and hide their resentment towards their own appearances. They basically suck which is why they lead dreary and boring lives. Don’t expect sex. RATING : 1

B : The Hymenically Challenged

a : Playgirls - This type of non-virgin usually is stunning to look at. Since they know that men are attracted to them, they feel that, they can have their pick. They usually have men lining up for them. If you’re looking for a quick bang, this is the girl for you. Even if you leave her, she usually has a replacement guy ready to take your place. The only problem with this girl is that, you have to impress her with something she’s interested in. With the number of competition you have, that’ll be tough. Sex with her is usually boring since she thinks that, you’ll do anything for her, she’ll want to take command. Good for one night stands. RATING : 6

b : Nymphomaniacs - This type of girl is very hard to find in Asian countries. She’s usually the type of girl who hangs around smoky bars, disco halls, and cafes. Bedding this type is good and easy. Once you get her attention, it only takes very little to fuck her. With her experience, she can drive you to new heights of sexual ecstasy.

Your fantasies can, and will be, fulfilled by this type since she’s willing to do anything and everything. She likes excitement and trying new things together. If you satisfy her, good. She’s yours, but only until she gets bored again. RATING : 9

c : Girl next door - This type usually is looking for long lasting relationships. If you plan to fuck her, better practice birth control because she’s in for the long haul. It won’t be easy to get rid of her because she’ll stick to you like crazy glue. Getting along with this type usually is fairly easy because they’re usually down to earth and fun to be with. You can even woo her over the phone. Sex with this type is Okay but she’s not willing to go over the edge. Don’t expect blowjobs. RATING : 7

 

 

d : Gold digger - You have to wine and dine this one to get her. Getting this type is easy if you’ve got money to blow. She’s usually good looking with a sexy body and likes to wear body hugging clothes. She’s impressed with fast cars, designer labels and fat wallets. Social climbing is second nature to this girl. She’s prepared to dump you if she finds someone richer. If you plan to fuck her, prepare your wallet. It’ll cost you. Sex with this type is usually fun because, she’s willing to do anything, as long as you can give her what she wants. RATING : 8 ( if you can afford it )

e : Rich bitch - If you’re looking for sex and support, this is the kind of girl to look for. She’s prepared to give you both. However, hooking up with her is not that easy. Since she’s got money, she’s expecting money hungry men. To get her, you have to prove to her that you ‘love’ her. They’re usually spoiled brats with big allowances. Getting along with her folks will be a pain since they’ll be looking down upon you. Sex with her will be boring since she’s not willing to do anything that might get her ‘dirty’. RATING : 5

f : Air-heads - This is the know-it-all who knows nothing at all. She pretends to have intelligence but her actions and words say otherwise. Air-heads, usually have pretty faces since, they depend on their looks a lot to get them anywhere. Courting an air-head is easy. All you have to do is impress them and feed their egos. They’re usually impressed with money so you better start talking big. Fucking them is easy but, I won’t say that they’re very good since, all they know how to do is spread their legs. Getting along with this kind of girl is fine, as long as you don’t talk to each other since, all she’ll say to you is, " ang galing ! " RATING : 4

g : Everybody’s Girl - This girl is the ‘ syota ng bayan ‘. Everybody knows her and most everybody’s fucked her. She usually has a lot of boyfriends, but, is only ‘ commited ‘ to one. If you’re her official boyfriend, I would recommend that you leave her immediately once you’ve fucked her since, she sleeps around. Girls like these, usually have sex with boys whom, they want to be their future boyfriends.

Sex is great but I won’t say that she’s tight. RATING : 7

h : Previously ‘Owned’ girls - This is the last type. This type has either been married before or, has lived in with her ex. She’s usually desperate. She wants acceptance and love. Her body will probably show signs of damage like, sagging breasts and a negative ass. Her past experiences with sex will give you something to look forward to since, she already has an idea on how to excite a man, but, don’t expect to much. RATING : 6

Six lies that’ll impress a woman :

A : I’ve climbed Mayon Volcano. - Get a polaroid of a mountaineer standing on top of any mountain. Just make sure that it’s either a bit blurred or you’re wearing a ski mask and goggles. Mayon is more impressive than the other mountains of the Philippines since it’s more famous and has a danger of erupting.

B : I Dated Ina Raymundo. - Why on earth would you want to tell any woman that you’ve had Ina ? Well, because the woman you are trying to impress will be flattered that you are talking to her. She will then put herself in Ina’s shoes and try to imagine what it was that made you so irresistable to a movie star.

C : I’m one of the Kuratong-Baleleng. - FACT : A lot of women are attracted to dangerous men. Now, you may not be dangerous, but a few dropped comments can give you an aura of criminality. Who knows the names of the gang anyway ?

D : I once was kidnapped by NPA rebels. - There is nothing to be gained from telling a woman that the scar on your forehead is the result of clumsiness. Why not claim to have been hit over the head and kidnapped by NPA rebels when you were in the province.

E : I work for the NBI. - Say that you are doing ‘highly confidential’ work for the government, and you are not allowed to talk about it to anyone. Explain that you understand if she doesn’t believe you, but that is out of your hands. And then tell her that she shouldn’t worry if, one day, you never came back. After she gets a bit curious, tell her bit by bit that you’re an agent. Show some battle scars and exaggerate.

F : I’m the bastard son of Ayala or Lucio Tan. - Now this is a bit complicated. If you’re indeed one, then why the distinct lack of money, or even vague signs of wealth ? Explain that your situation is a bit hard right now, since your ‘father’ only agreed to give you a vast amount of money at the age of 35, but only if your dad is never named as your father. Should any hint of his involvement come to the media, your trust fund will be eliminated. Cool, right ?

REMEMBER, if ever you get caught with a lie, never, ever confess. Simply compound the lie by telling another lie.

Six truths you must never reveal :

A : I have slept with over 100 women. - We live in a Catholic country which explains why the girls here are conservative. If you tell a girl this truth, she’ll probably think that either you’re a womanizer or you’ve got AIDS.

B : I am a Sado-masochist. - Hello darling, how would you like to see me cuff myself to the bed while you sand my dick with sand paper ? don’t ever show your cuffs and whips because you’ll only scare her off.

C : I am impotent. - Oral sex will only help for a few sessions, sex aids not much longer. Eventually, you’ll have to produce a stiff dick to keep her happy. Worse off, she might even think that you’ve contracted a venereal disease which, eventually lead to your inability to get it up.

D : I once starred in a porn film. - If you think you’ll win points for sexual technique and staying power by revealing that you were the male lead in Debbie does Dallas, think again. She will not only wonder why you were in the movie, but also how many people you’ve had sex with. Then she’ll leave you.

E : I have had a sex change. - If you are now a man who used to be a woman, then you already know that you must never tell her. She will, quite rightly, feel cheated.

F : I am dying. - In the movies, a dying man can attract a lot of sympathy from a woman. Then again, I the movies, a dying man can also make a miracle recovery and go on to father five children and live in a posh subdivision. If you’re dying, don’t tell her. She’ll only wonder why ( does he have AIDS ? ) and then she’ll dread the trips to the hospital and she will be loathe to attach herself to a man who’ll only be around for a little while.

Girls also have their own way of saying things. Instead of just saying things outright, they expect us to read between the lines. Here are ten examples :

A : When she says - " the secret to a good relationship is communication "

She means - sit down and listen

B : when she says - " you drive me crazy "

She means - I can’t figure you out and that annoys me

C : When she says - " you are a part of me "

She means - I have begun to figure your income into my budget

D : When she says - " I think it’s time we settled down "

she means - I’m pregnant

E : When she says - " I just need a little time alone "

she means - I’m going to the mall

F : When she says - " nobody’s perfect "

She means - Except the guy I dated right before I met you

G : When she says - " no, you pick the movie "

She means - That way, I can criticize your decision

H : When she says - " It’s a boys’ night out, huh ? "

She means - You’ll regret whatever you do so make sure it’ll be worth the pain

I : When she says - " I’m tired and I want to go home now "

She means - That blonde over at the bar is beginning to eye you

J : When she says - " Is that what you’re wearing ?! "

She means - Go change your clothes immediately

Why can’t girls just say what they mean ? I mean, is it that hard for them to express themselves ?

The things they do :

A : She has a drastic haircut - She’s just decided on a major life change. Either she’s quitting her job or leaving you. Or both.

B : She stops wearing make-up - She wants to know if you still fancy her without mascara even though she looks like a haggard horse in Binondo.

C : She buys you unexpected gifts - She thinks she’s been neglecting you and wants to make up for it by showing that she cares.

D : She only gives blowjobs or sensations and won’t have full sex - She’s going off you and trying to let you down gently.

E : She shaves her pubic hair - She is going through a sexually experimental phase, and thinks it might be fun.

The ever-changing moods and the time of the month :

Week 1 - Perfectly normal, quite happy and no mysterious pains. She’s willing to go to bed if she feels a bit guilty for being a bitch last week.

Week 2 - Looking good, mad for ‘it’, wants sex in every conceivable position and says " let’s do it again. " Be careful, at this time of the month, she’ll be wanting babies.

Week 3 - Sullen, depressed, snaps back, weeps silently into the sink and eats her own weight in chocolate bars over the course of three evenings. By this time, she’ll be surfing the crimson wave.

Week 4 - Slightly irritable, trekking to and from the toilet with her handbag clutched tighly, looking bloated around the middle, and knocking back ibuprofen ( for menstrual cramps ) like smarties.

The language of flowers :

A : Red Roses - The universal token of love. She will be delighted. For a while. Till she tells her best friend, who’ll reply, " Roses ? That’s original. "

B : Tulips - The yellow sort signify hopeless love, so she may just stuff them in the bin. If not, she will be overcome by tender feelings and call you to tell you that you should keep trying and that she’s seen some jewelry she likes.

C : Daisies - Signifies participation - You sent these hoping she’d agree to whatever it is you’re planning.

D : Daffodils - Symbolizes chivalry. Daffodils look great on Mother’s day cards, but, they don’t really spell passion, do they ?

E : Red Carnations - These say ‘alas, my poor heart !’ She’ll be delighted that you like her a lot and is prepared to say so.

F : Hyacinths - Symbolizes games, so it all depends if you’re messing with her or not. Be prepared for anything.

G : Lily of the Valley - A symbol of the return of happiness. What you’re saying is, you’ve had a hellish time with your ex, but now she’s coming along, all is rosy.